It's time we left Kevin Federline alone. We must stop picking on this unsung genius. And until Federline's rap album finally emerges from its silken cocoon of raw talent, that genius will indeed, to our country's detriment, remain unsung. Backbiting music fans and heartless satirists, stay thy cruel hand, and consider Federline's other talents.
Spend at least three minutes staring at his understated yet heartening appearance on that new cover of
People. The cover also features Britney Spears and her new butterball, swathed in chenille and gaping like it's ready for another pureed hush puppy to be poked down its craw. Notice how Britney seems to leap off the page, her cheeks glowing like two dewy peaches of triumph, her eyes shining with newfound maternal wisdom, her canines gleaming, ready to disembowel the next tube-topped ho that even thinks about rubbing her lovely lady lumps up against Spears' man.
Now turn your eyes once again to Federline, the man in question, looking on. Nobody looks on like Federline looks on. Other male celebrities have no idea how to stare down at their babies on the cover of People magazine without upstaging the mom and her new larva of renown. But Federline, who has fathered three children and has gazed down upon every one of them, looks on like a seasoned master. And he does so without ever, for one second, appearing more talented, or good-looking, or smarter, than his barefoot Louisiana swamp contessa. It must have taken Federline years of training under a cruel sensei to know how to reduce those dazzlingly shiny cornrows to mere background lighting -- to downplay that sharp and weasel-like nose so that Britney looks like the only predator in the portrait. The ancient Japanese believed that it takes a ninja's heightened senses to know how to comport oneself like such a perfect accessory. Or something like that. And now I believe those poor dead Japanese.Just think for a second. You wouldn't put the Hope Diamond on Halle Berry would you? No. Because that would compete too much with her sparkling eyes and cafi au lait skin and bazillion dollar smile. People would take one look at that diamond and forget all about Berry and that Oscar she won for that thing, that movie where they fried Diddy.
No sane stylist would put such a showy jewel on such a delicate beauty. And no stand-up guy would unleash talents as devastating as Federline's when he's got a wife whose sanity depends on constant attention. According to reports, Britney is in the running to replace Christina Applegate in "Sweet Charity" on Broadway next year. Well Britney can't get cast in "Sweet Charity" if producers on the Great White Way get distracted by some hyper-hot spouse who glows like uranium and slings wit like an obsessively braided Dorothy Parker.
I suspect Federline has even extended his Karl Rove-like spousal support strategy to writing. His first rap recently was "leaked" onto the Internet by someone "other than him." Federline could have gone with his first choice in titles, "You Feckless Stoats Remain Sadly Unprepared." But instead he dumbed it down to "Y'All Ain't Ready."
People always asking me
When's the release date
Well, baby you can wait and see
Until then all these Pavarottis followin' me
Federline has managed to slay not two, but three, beasts here.
He has penned a masterwork that allows Spears' "Do Somethin'" to shine like a brilliant-cut gem of musicianship in the unavoidable side-by-side comparison.
He's hinted that he might have his own cache of untapped talent -- one even deeper than folks who wrote "My Hump" -- in case his wife grows weary and needs Federline to support the family.
And thirdly, instead of cruelly reminding his wife once again of the crushing burden that is her fame, Federline has suggested that the paparazzi (the "Pavarottis" tartly mentioned above) might actually be after him.
This leaves only on conclusion. Federline, for the sake of a woman, has reinvented himself as talentless hack so feeble he cannot even reckon his own pants size. The sacrifice of this young American cannot be overemphasized.
And y'all just sent care packages to the troops.
Source: Zap2It.com
